My Journey to a Higher Self

I am a seventeen year old girl exploring the world and myself, trying to use Buddhism to cultivate a better state of being in all aspects of my life.
Alexandre Desplat

—Motherhood

I am feeling absolutely subliminal. Today I woke up, went to school, powered through it, had no homework. Came home, relaxed for a bit then went to the gym and ran four miles. I then came home and read Slaughterhouse-Five for a bit before eating dinner & watching some TV with my mom. Then I took a lovely hot bath, orgasmed during said bath, then clipped my nails and put lotion on. I am going to read Slaughterhouse-Five for the rest of the night until Luke signs onto skype. I feel like I got a lot of much needed solitude today. I am listening to the lovely Tree of Life soundtrack. I reflected a lot on my life today, I decided to try and cut a lot of the meat I eat out of my diet, and I am going to start taking baby-steps towards vegetarianism. Day three of not smoking, easy as a piece of cake. :)

Today I skipped 5th period with my best friend. Today is day 2 of not smoking marijuana. It was easy. She smoked like, four bowls while we were driving around. It was just like we were smoking together. I didn’t even feel that tempted. We talked about society and life and the future and past and our current relationships like we would on any other day. There’s 3 months and 10 days until graduation, and I think I can do it easily. When I got caught smoking again my mom kept calling me an addict and I got so angry at her for that; but in the back of my mind I think it’s true. I don’t necessarily think there’s anything that wrong with having a marijuana dependance, for me at least. Life was going on as usual and everything was in order, but it feels nice proving to myself and to my family that I am not in fact an addict and it’s nice proving to myself that I do not need to depend on anything to be happy and to have an open mind. I think at the end of these next 3 months of sobriety (I hate to drink, so I won’t be doing that) I will be able to go back to smoking without smoking everyday and that will be good. It’s all just about balance. I have a lot of schoolwork to do so I’m going to try and finish up some that, maybe take a nap, eat some dinner and get to bed. I feel very content and happy with life today. I can’t wait until graduation but I’m going to try and relish these next three months too, because it’s the last bit of time I have with some people and I don’t want to look back and think I was just unhappy and antsy the whole 2nd half of my senior year.

This blog…

This is my personal blog. Meant as a journal, really for my eyes only but if someone were to stumble upon it all the better. I’m deciding right now, to start becoming a better person and I believe actively writing about it, being open and honest with myself about every aspect of myself is going to help me do it. I am making a conscious decisions to start being responsible for my own thoughts and my own actions. I am going to stop blaming outside forces, and start making my own reality. I am also going to stop blaming myself. I am going to cut my dependance on weed, cut my dependance on money, cut my dependance on people, and start discovering what it means to truly live free. I am not going to edit anything I say on any of these posts after they are written (save grammar or spelling errors), I am not going to be ashamed or embarrassed. No one should be embarrassed of the person they are, improvements should be made where wanted but not embarrassment, not shame. I think society is going to the shitter and trying to drag down every one of us with it. Not me.